I had another raw, vulnerable conversation yesterday.

It was about this lady I recently met. That tricky dance of not pushing too hard but also not letting things stay on the surface.

You know that feeling? When you want to go deeper but aren’t sure if it’s the right time or if they’re ready?

We spoke about that is both simple and profound:

When you give your heart to someone, you have zero control over what they do with it.

Think about it.

You can control your bank account with budgeting. You can control your fitness with discipline. You can even control your career trajectory to some extent.

But love? Connection? Intimacy?

The moment you care deeply about someone, you’ve handed them a piece of yourself that you can’t take back.

This is why so many people avoid intimate relationships.

It’s why “situationships” have replaced relationships.

It’s safer that way.

The more you care, the more it can hurt.

Career paths touch on this too. Work brings up intense emotions precisely because it touches on your security and deepest passions. When you pour your heart into a project that fails, that pain is very real.

But relationships? That recovery isn’t so straightforward.

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The Cost of Protection

Here’s where conventional wisdom goes wrong:

Most people will tell you that the path to peace of mind is protection.

Build walls. Set boundaries. Don’t get too attached.

But I’ve tried that route. I’ve done the “self-sufficient” thing. The “I don’t need anyone” approach. The “emotional independence” strategy.

And you know what? It doesn’t work.

Or rather, it works too well. You end up “protected” from both pain AND joy.

After years of being a woowoo-ish guy chasing personal development techniques, I’ve learned there’s no technique for this.

No framework that can make vulnerability safe.

The real path forward isn’t protection - it’s surrender.

It’s accepting that yes, when you care deeply about someone, they have the power to hurt you. And choosing to care anyway.

It’s recognizing that the same vulnerability that opens you to pain also opens you to profound connection.

As my mentor once told me: “Nobody gets angry about something or someone they don’t care about. The 1) depth of your feeling and 2) the extent of your committed action is evidence of your capacity for love.”

I had this moment yesterday where I realized I was trying to find the “safe” way to care about this person. The way that wouldn’t leave me exposed.

There isn’t one.

That’s the whole point.

The fact that someone’s words can make you so happy or so sad isn’t a design flaw in intimate relationships (With your lover, your partner, your family member, or your boss etc..).

It’s the whole damn feature.

To be human is to play this full-contact sports called love.

Without pads. Without a helmet. Just your soft heart against the hard edges of reality.

Is it scary? Absolutely.

Will you get hurt sometimes? Count on it.

Is it worth it?

That depends on what kind of life you want to live.

All I know is that every time I’ve chosen protection over vulnerability, I’ve ended up feeling safe but hollow.

Every time I’ve chosen to surrender control and care deeply anyway, I’ve felt terrified but fully alive. (To be honest, I’ve done it maybe 3 times in my life…)

The people who have loved most deeply are not the ones who have been hurt the least.

They’re the ones who have decided the connection is worth the risk.

Because the alternative isn’t peace. It’s numbness.

And what’s the point of safety if you’re missing out on what makes life worth living?

With all my love,

Khuyen

P/s:

Next Sunday, I’m running an experiential workshop with some tools for decision making on tender topics .. If you are going to have one of those challenging conversations, please reply me with TENDER if you are interested.

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