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I had a walk & talk conversation today with a colleague, a star performer and true rain maker who is transitioning to team leader.

Strong man. Strong posture. Always folding his arms.

But something was off with his new team.

The team member wasn’t as connected. Weren’t responding to his leadership.

He kept using the word “but” in every sentence.

“I want them to succeed, but technically they should figure it out.”

“I believe in teamwork, but I don’t know if they want to talk about it.”

Then I saw it.

Clear as day. Obvious to everyone except him.

“You care a lot about this team member, but somehow you don’t show it.”

He started explaining. More “buts.” More justifications.

I realized that I was engaging with him at the intellectual level,

which will not go anywhere

because smart people like us can explain our way out everything.

So I stopped him cold.

“Hey. You are just afraid of showing your care”.

His face changed completely.

“Oh, yeah, no, but okay…”

This articulate, smart man - suddenly lost for words.

Because smart people can explain their way out of anything.

But they can’t argue with their core, personal truth.

I went on to venture

“Would it be fair to say you grew up with a father like that? Who cared a lot for you but didn’t really show it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if you don’t express your care,

if you don’t tell people that you care about them

and show that via your time and actions,

then your future children will feel the same way.

We don’t know that you care until you tell us and show us.”

I could see on his face that something clicked.

With smart people, you cannot argue.

You point to the core of their passion.

(which is my name in Vietnamese, “Khuyen” means “enCOURage”)

What was for me in that moment:

I was scared to just tell him what I saw in him too.

I was scared to tell him that I care.

I realized I have this power to change someone’s life.

And I’d rather own it than hide from it.

The most caring thing you can do often is directly name what you see.

I learned this from David C. Baker: “1) Name the truth and 2) deliver it in a way that can be received.”

That’s a skill I live for and die for.

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Your power to name truth:

People are walking around with blind spots that everyone else can see.

They’re stuck in patterns that are obvious to everyone except them.

They’re explaining away the very thing that’s holding them back.

And someone needs to tell them.

Someone needs to care enough to say it directly.

Someone needs to be brave enough to make them uncomfortable for 30 seconds so they can be free for 3 years (or more)

And that someone is you, and me, and all of us.

​“Tell the truth, all the time”​

as the last lecture of the late professor Randy Pausch said.

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Lots of care,

Khuyen

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ps: How about you?

What is a truth you need to say to someone but not yet said?

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