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Yesterday, I wrote about a relational mistake I made. Working with my own AI coach, it got very clear that when emotions got heated (especially when someone is upset with me), my first instinct was to fix things. To solve problems. To take action.

The classic example is that you see a child crying and you immediately want to jump in and help him soothe.

But doing so is taking away someone's innate capacity to be with their own difficult emotions.

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Sitting in this morning's Connection Course, I heard a principle

Doing what's scary must come before doing what's difficult.

Most of us confuse these two sensations. We think pushing harder through difficulty (hustle culture) is the path to growth. But that's just doing more of what we already know how to do.

What's truly transformative is doing what scares us.

By "scare," I mean doing things you've never really done before, like speaking to strangers or making donations to a new charities.

Anything.

My friend Bailey Aaron once told me: "The hard thing about navigating transition isn't figuring out what to do - it's being with the sensation of uncertainty."

In your body, it feels like expansion into a new atmospheric height. So unfamiliar that your system desperately wants to return to normal. That constriction in your chest, the shallow breathing - that's not difficulty. That's fear.

And fear is just excitement without the breath.

(One fun experiment to try: Once you are feeling the physical bodily contraction constriction, do a heavy breathing and jump up and down for 20 times, and just say "I'm excited")

This morning I realized: connection precedes action. When we're deeply connected, we can say more, even raise our voices, without scaring the other person away. But in a less connected state, even small actions create massive scare and closing down.

You don't fix someone else's feelings.

You let the feelings in. Let them wash over on our system.

Once emotions are clear and processed, you'll know what action to take. Actions are important, but they come after feelings have been honored. Otherwise, the impulse to jump into fixing things is just going to perpetuate the problem.

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​(A classic example is when somebody is upset, and then you try to tell them to calm down, which makes them even more upset. Your action of telling them to calm down is the one that perpetuates the problem.)

I've been choosing difficult (action) over scary (vulnerability) because difficult feels productive.

It gives me the illusion of control when facing uncertainty.

But genuine relationship requires leaning into the unknown:

"I don't know how I can do this, but I'm gonna lean in. I don't know if I can commit to this.

I feel constricted, I'm gonna breathe through it and let it come all the way in."

And for once, I'm not trying to outrun the terror.

I'm breathing into it.

With all my love,

Khuyen

P.S. When have you confused doing what's difficult with doing what's scary? What would change if you chose scary first?

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P.S.S Ready to bridge the gap between intentions and perceptions? I’m hosting an intimate online decision-making workshop focused on relationships on Sunday, May 10th. It's Pay-What-Feels-Right till Wed (my birthday week). You’ll learn practical tools to translate your care into languages others understand and make better choices in your connections. No more misunderstandings, no more invisible effort. DM me with DECISION for details on how to join.

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