Hey folks, happy Monday and happy July.
More than half a year is gone.
It’s wild that I am in Dubai. It does feel like ages have happened…
There’s a lot more to talk about, but this week I wanted to share an interview and some reflection on my favorite topics and a lot of mistakes along the way: dating.
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Last few months I met someone I really liked.
The tension was building. Physical closeness. Those moments where everything feels electric.
Every dating guru would tell you: “Go for the kiss. Make your move.”
So I did.
It was … great.
No regret.
The moment our lips touched, something died.
What had been this beautiful process of discovery - finding out why this person loved certain music, what made her laugh at 2am, the stories behind her scars - suddenly shifted.
We weren’t getting to know each other anymore.
We were just… touching.
Why “Make Your Move” is Terrible Advice
I just spent an hour talking with John Lenhart (neuroscientist, happily married for 3 decades) and he completely rewired my understanding of dating.
(you can watch the convo below)
His definition: Dating is two people getting to know each other mentally, emotionally, spiritually. The effect of that process is growing mutual physical attraction.
Effect.
Not the cause.
When you touch too early, you’re skipping the cause and jumping straight to an artificial effect. Your brain tells you that you’re attracted to the person.
No, you are attached to the touch…
You start enjoying the physical sensation instead of enjoying the person. When the touching gets routine (and it always does), you don’t like who you’re with anymore.
My “No Touch Game” Was Terrible
In my last two relationships (well, John would call them “connections” because I barely knew these women), I couldn’t reach them emotionally when they were upset.
“I’m fine,” she’d say.
But clearly not fine.
I’d want to hug, to hold, to comfort through touch.
She’d pull away.
I’d feel helpless.
and that’s the beginning of doom.
John calls this the “no touch game” - can you reach someone without using your hands?
Because when she’s really upset and says “don’t touch me,” that’s when you need to know her most deeply.
And if touching has been your primary way of connecting, you’re screwed.
The Buddhist teacher was right
The late Joanna Macy, a personal heroine of mine, said about her wedding vow that led to the 5+ decades marriage with her husband Frank : “May you never stop learning about each other.”
Never stop.
Because the moment you think you “know” someone, your brain starts losing interest. The learning phase ends. Attraction fades.
But if you stay curious about why she loves that weird documentary, why she calls her sister every Tuesday, why she gets quiet during thunderstorms… your unconscious keeps juicing you toward her.
If you are no longer attracted to someone, it’s on you…
What I’m Learning Differently Now
I’m horny sometimes. I am proud of that.
I miss touching and being touched.
But I’m learning to delay. To stay curious instead of moving to physical.
To build the kind of connection where growing mutual physical attraction becomes inevitable - not forced.
The hardest part? It’s so much easier to touch than to truly understand someone.
But easy doesn’t get me where I wanted to go.
with all my love,
Khuyen
P.S. Do you have experience with this? That moment when physical connection actually killed the deeper connection you were building? I’m still (re)learning this stuff and would love to hear your thoughts.
