Yesterday I went for a walk with a colleague.

Smart, strong work ethics Asian lady. The kind any team would fight for.

She’s looking at opportunities in other departments.

But she’s carrying this weight.

“I feel terrible,” she said. “My team invested so much in me. They’ve been good to me. How can I even think about leaving?”

I’ve watched this play out dozens of times in my years working with people.

Good people staying in situations that don’t serve them because they’ve confused loyalty with self-sacrifice.

The guilt sits in your gut like a stone.

She kept asking “why do I feel so guilty?”

to the point where I asked her point blank:

“Do you want to feel less guilty, or understand why you feel guilty?”

“less guilty”, she said.

Smart choice.

The mind wants explanations. Change wants action.

“You feel bad because you identify with the identity of someone who is not ungrateful”

I told her.

“So declare it. Say ‘I’m ungrateful and that’s OK.’”

She looked at me like I’d suggested jumping off a bridge.

“I’m ungrateful…

and that’s OK,” she repeated slowly, and laughed.

Something shifted in her face.

The tension loosened.

This comes from Peter Koenig and Tom Nixon.

When you own the thing you’re trying to avoid being, it loses its power over you.

You can’t be controlled by a label you’ve already claimed.

This isn’t therapy. This is language practice.

You feel guilty about wanting more? Own it.

You feel selfish for prioritizing your growth? Claim it.

You feel ungrateful for exploring other options? Say it out loud.

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Your responsibility is declare to yourself who you’re becoming, not who you’ve been.

The people who matter will understand. The ones who don’t were never really on your side anyway.

Much love,

Khuyen

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P.S. If you’re carrying guilt about a decision you know you need to make, try this.

Declare what you’re afraid of being. "I am ungrateful, and it's okay"

Watch what happens when you say aloud. Your conscious mind will find it unbelievable, or funny. And that's how you would be free from that.

Do write back, I’d love to hear how it goes.

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