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Two weeks ago back in Saigon, my friend Huy asked me if I could help him with something very important.

set up a marriage proposal

to his fiancée

at the top comedy show in Saigon.

WILD.

Of course I said Yes.

I would not say No to such a chance to make a difference in someone's life.

(In fact, I have done this proposal set up for three guy friends now, to the point that my friend can say that I could add it to my "work" portfolio :P)

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This couple has met each other nine years ago, and five years together. Plenty of difficulties along the way.

But he finally did it.

In front of everyone.

She said yes.

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(you can read the couple's reflection here in Vietnamese)

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Watching it unfold moved me more than I expected.

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But it also triggered something uncomfortable in me.

That familiar exhaustion when I think about starting over again with someone new.

My closest guy friend in Saigon, a real "high value" and wonderful man, feels the same way when things are going well in dating. He lamented

"Oh gosh, you know, it's like another round that won't work again."

(As a guy, you put in a lot of effort in the early phase of getting to know someone, and we're both tired of that feeling.)

The fear isn't heartbreak.

It's wasted time and effort.

I've been believing my own bullshit about speed.

For years, my approach was simple: push boundaries faster, get closer physically sooner, commit harder. (Of course relatively I am not a pick up artist, nowhere near that. Shy local Asian dude!)

Force intimacy to accelerate understanding.

The logic seemed sound.

The sooner we push & see each other's dark sides, the faster we learn to deal with them and grow together.

(I think it's not about doing fast. I think it's about going straight to the point, focus on what's most important in a new connection, which is "Creating enough comfort to reveal real characters of a person")

Speed eventually leads to depth, right?

Wrong.

Most wonderful women I've met recently prefers slowing down.

They want distance. (Online conversations are great. Time to build understanding before physical intensity.)

I thought I was being efficient.

Turns out I was swimming upstream.

Fighting their natural rhythm instead of matching it.

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--

My latest favorite Linkedin friend / teacher John Lenhart taught me something that changed everything.

He asked me "What's YOUR cause and effect of dating?"

What's Dating for, and why do you Date someone?

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I thought commitment was the cause. You decide to be exclusive, then you get to know each other deeply.

He flipped it.

The effect of dating should be growing mutual physical attraction.

The cause is getting to know someone more and more deeply. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Commitment emerges naturally from deeper knowing.

You don't force it as a starting condition.

This means I can talk to different people without pressure to lock in.

Build understanding through conversation.

Let attraction develop organically.

For me, since I'm sensitive to touch, being touched well matters more than touching well.

When I slow down, when I let attraction build through deeper knowing, touch becomes richer.

More intentional. More connected.

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The last two months have been an intensive exploration with someone. And my learning with a lot of mistakes made along the way is that

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I got to listen better.

They're showing me a path that actually works better for building lasting attraction.

This is a long game.

Long games reward patience over pressure.

Sustainable connection over intense sprints that burn out.

My exhaustion wasn't a sign of bad luck in dating.

It was my nervous system telling me something was off about my approach.

(Which is a bit unfamiliar for me to learn because, I do prefer some control myself in terms of speed)

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Just two people choosing to explore deeper understanding together.

At whatever pace feels sustainable for both.

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#notetoself

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with all my love,

Khuyen

P.S. Do write back. I'd love to hear from you about times you've been swimming upstream without realizing it.

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