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Yesterday I had my regular catch-up with Dr. Trang Vu.

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We were just chatting, and she mentioned the painting behind her on the video call.

"Oh, that's Cafe Terrace in Paris" by Van Gogh," she said. "I love it because every time I see it, it makes me think about bringing friends and family together under that sky."

I paused for a second.

Most people would have just nodded and moved on. But something clicked.

She didn't just say she liked the painting. She told me why she liked it.

The difference between knowing someone and truly understanding them

Last month, my latest guru friend ​John Lenhart​ gave me his definition of friendship: "A friend is somebody you trust who can speak for you."

Beautiful definition, but I didn't really get it until yesterday.

When Trang explained why she loved that painting, I realized something profound.

The way you can speak for someone is when you understand the reasons behind their preferences.

Not just what they like, but why they like it.

Most relationships stay surface-level because we never ask the second question. We know someone likes coffee, but we don't know it's because their grandmother made it for them every morning as a kid.

We know they prefer quiet restaurants, but we don't know it's because they grew up in a chaotic household and stillness feels like peace.

The friendship litmus test

Can you explain to a stranger why your friend likes the things they like?

If you can't, you're probably not as close as you think.

Real intimacy happens when someone trusts you enough to share their reasons. And when you care enough to remember them.

This matters more than most people realize.

In my People and Culture work, I see teams struggle with connection all the time. They know each other's job titles and weekend plans, but they don't know the why behind their colleague's motivations.

The team member who needs written instructions because they learn differently.

The person who speaks up in meetings because they grew up in a family where silence meant you didn't matter.

Understanding the why changes everything

When you know someone's reasons, you can anticipate their needs.

You can support them in ways that actually matter.

You can disagree without damaging the relationship because you understand where they're coming from.

Most importantly, you can be the kind of friend who doesn't just know someone - you understand them. It's a pleasure in itself 🥸

Next time someone mentions they like something, ask them "What makes you like that?".

Not to be nosy, but to be present.

You will make a better friend!

With all my love,

Khuyen

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