Earlier this year, I was seeing this lady I really liked. We'd been seeing each other for about 2 months, but haven't introduced each other to our friends yet.
I remember driving around with her before a planned dinner with some friends, and debating inside whether to invite her to meet my friends for dinner.
Something in my gut tightened. That familiar sensation crept in—the one that whispers "don't do it" with no rational explanation.
(my wiring is afraid of "being found out" by friends, probably)
My head said yes (no harm done, just meeting friends)
My heart said yes (more connection, more joy).
But my gut screamed NO with such intensity I could feel it physically.
And that's exactly when I knew I had to do it.
I invited her along. She was surprised, knowing how i am not quite a private person, and introducing to friends is actually a big move.
Guess what happened at dinner?
Absolutely nothing bad.
The fear was complete fiction. Made-up danger my body created to keep me safely in my comfort zone.
This little experiment taught me something I've been testing for years now: when my gut tightens with fear around a decision, that's precisely where I need to go.
(Unless it's actually dangerous, like free-soloing. I'm not talking about ignoring legitimate safety concerns. Let's not be stupid here.)
The yellow traffic light experiment
Think about a yellow traffic light. Does it mean "slow down and prepare to stop" or "hurry up before it turns red"?
The answer depends entirely on your wiring.
Some people hit the brakes at the first sign of yellow. Others instinctively accelerate.
The same is true with the yellow traffic light of fear in your body. That flutter in your stomach, that tightness in your chest—is it warning you to stop or challenging you to accelerate?
Here's my experiment (not truth, just my experience): I've found that leaning INTO that tension—while fully feeling it—leads to the most growth.
When faced with my job decision recently, I felt that same gut resistance. The role asked for more of who I am, and that was scary. But by saying yes to the fear, I expanded. I said yes to what was behind the fear.
Fear's greatest gift is alertness
The whole purpose of fear is to make you alert. That's it.
An alert state is actually beautiful when applied correctly. It's high focus, high presence.
When you're making a decision and fear shows up, you're not being warned to back off. You're being invited to pay closer attention.
Joe Hudson, one of my teachers, says there are only two fears: physical death and identity death (no longer being who you say you are). And fascinatingly, they feel similar in our bodies.
Most of our decision fears are about identity—"if I do this, who will I become?" That's why they're so visceral despite having zero actual danger.
The somatic decision hack
You can't rationalize your way through fear. I've tried that shit for years (hello, endless pro/con lists that didn't move me an inch).
The gap between knowing something rationally and actually taking action comes from billions of years of biological programming.
So here's what works:
- Notice where the fear lives in your body
- Breathe into it directly
- Name it: "This is fear, not danger"
- Lean in (while still being sensible about actual risks)
When I go to bed at night and realize "today I did something that scared me," I feel a satisfaction that's unmatched by any other accomplishment.
This is my own laboratory experiment, not universal truth. I've been a risk-taker most of my life, and made stupid decisions, so I've had to learn careful discernment. If you're naturally cautious, your edge might be different.
The point isn't to do scary things for the sake of it. The point is to stop letting fear make your decisions.
Because behind almost every indecision is a fear that's preventing you from moving forward.
What decision have you been circling that your gut tightens around?
What if that tightening isn't a warning, but a compass?
What if the direction of your growth is precisely where your body feels most resistant?
Try the experiment.
See what happens.
With all my love,
Khuyen
P.S. I'm launching "Hell Yes Decision Workshop 2.0" on May 10th for the new season, where I'll be sharing these tools and many more to help you make decisions - big and small - with clarity and confidence.
For my birthday week only till Sunday, I'm offering it at pay-what-you-wish pricing (after which the price increases). If you're interested, reply with "DECISION", and I'll send you the details.
Do write me back. I'm always eager to hear any feedback & reflection on my writing. And, do consider sharing this piece with a friend or colleague who you think might enjoy as well.
ps: a fun video of me trying something I never did before: climbing on an electric post... From Vietnam 50th reunification party
